I was there to share my story, to share Kevin’s story and to help chip away at the stigma surrounding drug addiction. The attendees had gathered in order to develop a cohesive strategy to fight the opiod crisis in their communities. I was fortunate to have to the opportunity to speak on a panel at a conference for health centres from across Ontario. But as my existential mid-life/widow crisis gets larger, I wonder what am I really doing to make this world better? Is this enough? I certainly don’t have the answer yet but I did something recently that filled me joy and pride, and I felt like I was doing my tiny part to make the world better. I’m a good friend (again, hopefully!) to many out there in the world. I’m filling the world with dark, yet hopefully hilarious widow humour. I’m raising (at least hopefully) kind, compassionate and kick ass little girls.
I”m not there yet, but I’m kicking, screaming and fighting to get there.Īs I walk through this journey, I find myself thinking increasingly about what mark I am making on the world. It is causing me to enter the flames of this firestorm, and I know I’m going to emerge from the fire like a Phoenix, stronger and more beautiful than ever. The shit I am in right now, is most certainly shit. My husband is dead, I’m parenting two kids alone (forever!), I’m sad, I’m alone, I’m exhausted and at the end of my rope most (all!) days….I don’t want to be stronger!! I was completely and totally fine being a weaker person but married to my best friend who was alive! But if I am truly and completely open and vulnerable, the reason why it makes me want to stab my eye out, is deep down I know that it is a true. I’ve heard it and read it many times since losing Kevin, and while I know it is a well intentioned phrase, it definitely falls into the category of unhelpful. Especially when it is expressed to you by someone who is still happily with their person. I think most widows have the same reaction to this. Hearing this phrase makes me want to stab my eye out with a fork. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
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